Shine the Light

As a young girl, I remember laying on my Aunt's floor in Savasana, I think I was 8 and we were watching PBS. Flash forward 25 years and I'm sitting on my own floor spinning out of control, wondering what the hell I'm going to do with my life-- don't get me wrong my life at that time was very sweet. I was and am still loved deeply by the man in my life, my daughter was doing well excelling in school and had her sights set on college- I was not feeling good about myself, I was lost and the years of searching for me pulled me to that floor where for some reason I laid down in Savasana like I did when I was 8. That feeling of lightness, release and heaviness of my body on the earth imprinted on me so long ago. For a moment, I felt held and free. I decided at this time that I needed to do something for me, something to help me remember myself. I bought some videos of Pilates and Yoga, I wasn't comfortable in a class, I have and still do have a serious issue with looking stupid or feeling not included. I tried repeatedly to do the work of the videos, each try was less successful than the next, it was a lot of jumping around trying to watch tv and do the work at the same time. I have a distict memory of sitting in front of the TV, I had decided that I would watch the videos first, then try to attempt them so I wouldn't have to strain my neck ;). I began watching, then opened a bag of chips, felt guilty, and went back to my old habit of throwing up. I knew this feeling of release, and I had missed it terribly-- that is what I was searching for (or so I thought). Intuitively I knew I was standing at a fork in the road-- continue a long standing habit of fill myself, purge myself or welcome myself home. I chose the latter and I found a yoga studio in town, set up a private and with anticipation went to see if this teacher was the ticket. I showed up at her door, new yoga outfit, new mat, new hair, makeup perfect, pedicure looking fantastic and as she opened the door, she stared at me in horror- she had forgot. In her sweetness she let me borrow some DVD (my horror) to practice over the weekend in preparation for class-- my heart fell to the ground, I knew I could not have sat through one more DVD that I wasn't going to do. With graciousness I took the DVD and went to my car and cried-- why should this be so hard. As I pulled myself together I drove home, and noticed that the DVD was a CD and put it in, what could it hurt I thought--- and then it happened the voice of John Friend filled my car, I had to pull over I was rivited to the sound of his voice and then the chant the amazing Anusara chant and he said the words "Open to your goodness, it's always been there." I sat on the side of the road for over 2 hours mesmerized by his voice and my overall release of tension and stress and I knew this was the Yoga I was going to try. I did the entire CD on Saturday afternoon and when I was finished I went in to my bedroom and fell asleep for 3 hours I took his words into my bones, I felt the postures deep inside my body and I needed them to sink in deep-- sleep kept me still his words still filling my thoughts, I drempt of his words. I felt like a magic spell had been cast on me, it hadn't I just woke up for the first time in my life and remembered. I have been an Anusara student for over 5 years, and a teacher for 3 and an Inspired teacher for 1 working to become Certified. I remember that moment in my car everytime I step on my mat to teach or to melt into studentship-- as teacher we have the responsiblity to help be the guide to our students but mostly to ourselves. It's easy to get swept up in all the "yoga" hype out there, to conform to what 's hot now, but just like ourselves, we need to hold true to our center to remember and celebrate what has come before us so we can shine the light for those who forgot.