Shine the Light

As a young girl, I remember laying on my Aunt's floor in Savasana, I think I was 8 and we were watching PBS. Flash forward 25 years and I'm sitting on my own floor spinning out of control, wondering what the hell I'm going to do with my life-- don't get me wrong my life at that time was very sweet. I was and am still loved deeply by the man in my life, my daughter was doing well excelling in school and had her sights set on college- I was not feeling good about myself, I was lost and the years of searching for me pulled me to that floor where for some reason I laid down in Savasana like I did when I was 8. That feeling of lightness, release and heaviness of my body on the earth imprinted on me so long ago. For a moment, I felt held and free. I decided at this time that I needed to do something for me, something to help me remember myself. I bought some videos of Pilates and Yoga, I wasn't comfortable in a class, I have and still do have a serious issue with looking stupid or feeling not included. I tried repeatedly to do the work of the videos, each try was less successful than the next, it was a lot of jumping around trying to watch tv and do the work at the same time. I have a distict memory of sitting in front of the TV, I had decided that I would watch the videos first, then try to attempt them so I wouldn't have to strain my neck ;). I began watching, then opened a bag of chips, felt guilty, and went back to my old habit of throwing up. I knew this feeling of release, and I had missed it terribly-- that is what I was searching for (or so I thought). Intuitively I knew I was standing at a fork in the road-- continue a long standing habit of fill myself, purge myself or welcome myself home. I chose the latter and I found a yoga studio in town, set up a private and with anticipation went to see if this teacher was the ticket. I showed up at her door, new yoga outfit, new mat, new hair, makeup perfect, pedicure looking fantastic and as she opened the door, she stared at me in horror- she had forgot. In her sweetness she let me borrow some DVD (my horror) to practice over the weekend in preparation for class-- my heart fell to the ground, I knew I could not have sat through one more DVD that I wasn't going to do. With graciousness I took the DVD and went to my car and cried-- why should this be so hard. As I pulled myself together I drove home, and noticed that the DVD was a CD and put it in, what could it hurt I thought--- and then it happened the voice of John Friend filled my car, I had to pull over I was rivited to the sound of his voice and then the chant the amazing Anusara chant and he said the words "Open to your goodness, it's always been there." I sat on the side of the road for over 2 hours mesmerized by his voice and my overall release of tension and stress and I knew this was the Yoga I was going to try. I did the entire CD on Saturday afternoon and when I was finished I went in to my bedroom and fell asleep for 3 hours I took his words into my bones, I felt the postures deep inside my body and I needed them to sink in deep-- sleep kept me still his words still filling my thoughts, I drempt of his words. I felt like a magic spell had been cast on me, it hadn't I just woke up for the first time in my life and remembered. I have been an Anusara student for over 5 years, and a teacher for 3 and an Inspired teacher for 1 working to become Certified. I remember that moment in my car everytime I step on my mat to teach or to melt into studentship-- as teacher we have the responsiblity to help be the guide to our students but mostly to ourselves. It's easy to get swept up in all the "yoga" hype out there, to conform to what 's hot now, but just like ourselves, we need to hold true to our center to remember and celebrate what has come before us so we can shine the light for those who forgot.

Rambling on Foundation

Foundation, is defined as groundwork of anything. In Anusara yoga it is part of our first principle, Open to Grace and Set Your Foundation. To begin the groundwork of Opening to something bigger, to remember your groundwork of greatness-- as life moves we forget, we get some cracks in our foundation. As we grow, the foundations of our life help to give us confidence to make decisions, the foundations which are mirrored to us by our parents, our friends and those who helped to shape our lives. In the beginning of life, our foundation is based on people taking care of us, giving us the confidence to remember we are not alone-- if we cry someone comes to remind us we are not alone--- as we get older the foundation of that confidence helps to buoy us through our life---

One of the universal signs you have entered a yoga class is the mats, layed out like magic carpets on the floor-- the mat is a big part of yoga, you can spend from 8-108.00 per mat, and as you begin your practice you begin to integrate your foundation with the feeling of your mat-- your feet, all four corners and your hands, all four corners connect you to your magic carpet-- at the beginning of each class, we sit, we breathe, we connect with our breath and to each other, we chant to remember we are not alone-- to help us remember our foundation-- to help our greatness rise up and join in chant with each other. We stand tall, chest open, Open to possibilities, open to remembrance, Open because our feet are plugged into our foundation-- we are able to stand within ourselves with confidence.

What happens is that our habits sometimes move us out of our foundation, our habits were shaped as we began to leave our nest and enter school where for the first time in our life, we found out we were different, we needed help, we moved off our foundation, we began to question our goodness, we began to want to become someone else. Without a tether to remembrance, without our foundation of light, we begin to forget our greatness, we begin to want to hide our greatness because we don't want to seem different.....

Steak Night

Flying to Minnesota to the funeral of my Grandfather was full of light and love-- my greatest memories from my childhood were at my grandparents house. My mother left my brother and I with my father when I was 8, I remember the day like it was yesterday my father in the kitchen looking out the window, searching for the life he had the day before. There are many stories of why my mother left, to this day I don't really know which ones are true, I just remember she left. My father not knowing what to do with myself 8 and my brother 6 brought us to my Grandparents, my mother's parents and they held us, shocked as we were, there was never a bad word from my grandparents to us for either parent. I learned later that my grandparents stopped speaking to my mother for a year because they could not believe a mother would abandon her children. The weekends at my grandparents were filled with wonder, mystery, and large heapings of love. My grandfather worked for US Steel, and my grandmother worked in a factory for a while, they worked hard, and they prayed hard and their life was surrounded by family-- every Saturday was "Steak Night" my Aunts and Uncle would come over and sit around the kitchen table while a game show or the news played in the background... I to this day love the sound of jeopardy or wheel of fortune it is comforting to me. After dinner we would go to church at the Catholic church down the street, I can smell my gradfather's cologne.. I think it was Brut, I can never remember the name, but the smell settles me every time. Church was a staple in their household, Catholocism and the teachings were strong. Work hard, pray hard, love more than you don't, and forgive because someday you may need to be forgiven. And they did start to speak to my mother. But I don't to this day believe that they ever forgave her-- for the unspeakable act of leaving her children. For years there were empty promises, broken promises from my mother, and me 8, 9, 10, 11 motherless-- I don't think I ever healed from that-- it is a deep thick scar, and many of my relationships with men and women have been affected by feeling like at any moment my world was going to fall apart. I've learned to manage my fear of losing everything, but I have never fully recovered.

I can relate to the beginning yoga student because my first experience on the mat, was powerful, and a complete feeling of home. The powerful words of encouragement, the explanation of brightness that is always and will forever be there were words that flowed from my grandparents to me and I had not heard them for a long time, but interestingly I remembered them-- the first yoga class is so potant for the student, I remember it, and feel it everytime I step onto my mat. A groundedness, a connection, a tether to remembrance. My practice has become a place of solice, a place of refuge, a place of me, the me I lost at 8, the me that never left, the me that holds onto the thought that I'm worthy enough to stay for. My Grandfather is stronger in presance now than before, I feel him, I know he sees me on my mat and silently says, "that ol Jenny, what is she up to now?" I have never felt alone, even though I have had times of lonliness, because my tether to love was my grandparents, and today that tether is strong and grounded in me to begin to feel strong enough to tether others on their path of remembrance.